


Mending the Break - Goodnight Irene Post War

by BlackRabbit



Series: Goodnight Irene [5]
Category: MASH (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Nightmares, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Whump
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-16
Updated: 2020-08-16
Packaged: 2021-03-06 02:54:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,001
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25926214
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlackRabbit/pseuds/BlackRabbit
Summary: Post-war Hawkeye/Irene from Goodnight Irene. Hawkeye has a nightmare and hurts Irene. When he finds out, things go south.Please read tags for trigger warnings.
Relationships: Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce/Original Female Character(s)
Series: Goodnight Irene [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1861669
Kudos: 9





	Mending the Break - Goodnight Irene Post War

**Mending the Break**

Midnight came and went peacefully in the little apartment in Crabapple Cove. The mansion that had been converted into small living spaces was quiet as a church mouse, residents fast asleep in their beds, windows open to the late summer breeze.

Crickets chirped under lazy clouds, tinted silver by the full moon. Soon the leaves would begin to change and the temperature would drop, forcing residents of the sleepy little town to curl into their loved ones for warmth, but tonight Irene and Hawkeye lay sprawled out in their bed, blankets tangled around bare legs.

Hawkeye’s shorts remained though his shirt had been discarded in his sleep and Irene was down to a sheer cami and underwear. A helicopter flew overhead, possibly on the way to the hospital a few blocks away and Irene blinked awake at the sound an instant before Hawkeye began to mutter in his sleep.

“Shh,” she calmed, resting a hand on his chest.

He cried out about being trapped, stuck, someone after him. The blankets around his legs were the cause and she tried to pull them away but tightened them accidentally. He was yelling now, fighting, flailing.

“Hawkeye! Wake up!” Irene shook him and he thrashed to the side, his fist slamming into her eye. She fell to the side, clutching at her face. Lights flickered in her vision and she thought she might have blacked out for a second or two. “Hawk,” she said, trying to regain herself but before she could react, she was on her back on the floor with him on top of her, blankets restricting her left arm.

His knees were on either side of her hips, one arm under her head and the other braced against the floor as he ducked his head beside hers and continued to yell. Pain throbbed through the side of her head, but she clung to him with her right arm, digging into his bare flesh. He pulled his arm in, squeezing her head close to his chest, protecting her from the perceived threat in his dreams but she couldn’t breathe. She fought against the blanket that wound her left arm tight, heart pounding against her rib cage.

Banging on the door made Irene jump and snapped Hawkeye out of his nightmare. His body shook violently, and he sat up in the dark, disoriented. Irene gasped for air and rolled away from him, but she knew she couldn’t stay down for long.

Shakily Irene got to her feet while he leaned back against the wall, moonlight on his face highlighting his confusion. Irene threw his robe over her shoulders and went to the door where a neighbor stood, terrified.

“Ms. Neil,” Irene said. “I am so sorry, Hawkeye had a… an incident but he’s okay now.” She hid half behind the door, praying the neighbor wouldn’t see her swollen eye in the dim light of the hall.

“Are you sure you’re alright, dear? Do I need to call the police?”

“I’m fine, really. Thank you.”

“And Doctor Pierce?”

“He’s alright now. These things don’t happen often but—”

“The war was hard on all of us,” Ms. Neil said with a tight-lipped grin. “If you need me, you let me know.”

“Thank you.”

Irene shut the door and leaned her back against it, her brain finally catching up to what had happened. Her fingers traced over the bruise on her cheek, her vision blurry in that eye and tears welled up in her eyes. Another few minutes and he might have suffocated her in his sleep.

“Irene?”

Her attention shot up toward the bedroom and she had to swallow her tears and take a deep breath to ease her shaking. If he knew what he’d done… she grazed her cheek again and winced. He couldn’t know. Somehow.

“I’m here,” she said, standing to go back to him.

Hawkeye was still sitting with his back to the wall but now he was hugging the blanket to his chest, confusion still etched on his face. She stepped over his legs and knelt with her back to the window, keeping her face in the shadows as she took his hand in hers.

“I’m here,” she repeated.

“I had… I had a terrible nightmare. Look at my hand,” he forced a chuckle as he stared at his trembling hand. “I can’t remember the last time I was that scared.”

“Let’s go back to bed. We have to be up in a few hours.”

Hawkeye rubbed her knuckles with his thumb and watched the movement with a hollow look in his eyes. “It was so real. I lost you and I…” he shook his head.

Irene pulled his hand up to kiss it but when her lips touched his skin, she couldn’t help but think of the pain that still throbbed in her cheek. He could have ended her. It was all she could think about.

“I love you,” he said.

“And I love you.”

“I mean it.”

“I know,” she said, standing and guiding him back to bed.

He left the blanket on the floor and pulled her close when they laid down. He really was shaking all over. Hers had mostly stopped and with a few deep breaths, his calmed considerably. Somehow, he was able to drift off to sleep quickly, probably exhausted from his experience, but Irene couldn’t sleep. The helicopter flew over again, this time headed away from the hospital, and Irene held her breath as she waited for Hawkeye to have another episode, but he remained quiet and still, his arms wrapped around her.

She stifled a sob and swallowed her tears, pressing her face to his chest. For a time, she listened to his heartbeat but still sleep didn’t come. Carefully as she could, she slipped from under his arm and crept to the hall bathroom. Her hand hovered over the light switch, afraid to see her own face in the mirror. When she did, she gasped. Her eye was still swollen, and a purple bruise had spread across her cheekbone. Gently she prodded it for a moment before turning off the light and going to the kitchen where a slab of steak had been put in the refrigerator to thaw for their dinner the next night.

The meat was cold against her skin, but it brought relief and she hoped it would also lessen the swelling before morning. She took a seat on the couch and looked at the alarm clock that sat on the bedside table for those days when Hawkeye needed a nap but didn’t want to go to bed. They’d have to be up in a few hours for work and she didn’t know how she was going to pull it off.

A car drove by, casting light across the apartment and Irene laid down on the couch, careful not to touch the steak to anything and watched the clock tick by as she waited for first light.

* * *

“You’re up early,” Hawkeye said, kissing Irene’s cheek as he passed her in the bathroom, going to the sink to shave before work.

Irene held her breath when he looked back at her and told her she was beautiful. She’d been able to get the swelling down and apparently her makeup had taken care of the rest. Still, there would be days of this routine ahead if she wanted to keep him from knowing what he’d done.

“Are you feeling okay this morning?” she asked as she lathered up his brush.

“I’ve been better but hell… I’ve been worse,” he smirked. “I’m uh…. Sorry about last night.”

Irene hugged herself. “What do you mean?”

“That nightmare I had. I didn’t hurt you when I pinned you down, did it?”

She hesitated. Technically, he didn’t hurt her then. “No. But don’t you think you should go talk to Sidney?”

“Why?” he asked, concentrating on the blade as it ran smooth down his cheek.

“Well, I mean, you were trigger by a helicopter and he said—”

“It doesn’t happen much anymore. And when it does I have you by my side.”

Irene nodded and watched him finish shaving as he talked about work and what they had to look forward to for the day, but she’d toned him out. In a way, she felt resentful. Not that she didn’t like being there for him, having him trust and confide in her. But didn’t he see what he’d caused?

Of course not. She gazed into the mirror over his shoulder as he splashed water on his face. The pain was covered with make up and that was her own doing. Maybe she was making the wrong decision to hide it from him. She hated having to keep it to herself, but what else could she do? Hawk wasn’t exactly known for handling these types of things well.

“Are you ready to go?” he asked, turning to her.

Irene put her arms around him and rested her head on his chest. Her throat burned but she swallowed it and hugged him tight.

“What’s gotten into you?” he laughed, rocking her side to side. “You’re usually like a wild bear in the morning.”

“I just love you is all.” Irene took a deep breath and looked up at him, forcing a smile. He kissed her forehead and looked down at her with a soft grin.

“We’ll see how much you love me after we’re stuck in surgery together all day. You’re on my nursing staff today.”

Irene’s stomach knotted. How was she going to keep him oblivious if she had to be with him all day? “If I could handle you in Korea, I can handle you here. No go on. I’ll be down in a minute,” she said, shoving him out of the bathroom before tossing as much of her makeup as she could in her bag, praying to make it through the day without a hitch.

* * *

Irene collapsed on the couch the minute they got into the apartment that evening. Everything hurt and she was miserably tired. She lay on her belly on the couch and Hawkeye picked up her legs to set them in his lap. He untied her shoes and tossed them by the door.

“I’ll give you a foot rub after we get a shower,” he said. “As much as I love you there are some lines I just won’t cross.”

“I recall someone’s tent smelling of stale socks and gin and you want to talk about my unwashed feet?” Irene smiled and rolled onto her back, wrist draped over her forehead and she looked at him. Golden light from the setting sun lit his face, giving his eyes a strange glow. “Go ahead without me. I think I need a nap before I do anything.” Really, she was just afraid of her makeup running.

“I won’t argue. You worked hard today.” He stood and kissed her, lingering a moment before bringing her fingertips to his lips. “Get some rest. I’ll wake you up when dinner is ready.”

“I can cook while you’re showering,” Irene said, beginning to rise only for him to gently push her back down.

“Not a chance. I’ve seen Igor serve food less dangerous than yours.”

Irene gasped and slapped his hand. “That’s not true!”

“Need I remind you of the noodles?”

“Now, my grandmother always told me to stick noodles to the wall to see if they were cooked.”

“That is not an acceptable way to check noodles. When you can cook without redecorating the kitchen with scorch marks or discarded food, we’ll discuss this again. Now sleep!”

Hawkeye pulled the blanket off the back of the couch and laid it over her before disappearing down the hallway. Irene stayed awake for a little while, listening to the water and Hawkeye singing in the shower though she couldn’t make out the tune. Her fingers gently touched her cheek. His breakdown seemed so far away. Like it happened years ago, not the night before.

Peace had settled over the apartment, as it should be, but she couldn’t deny there was something else lurking in the corner. What would happen when they slept? Would the helicopters bringing patients to and from the hospital cause him to lash out again? What if next time she couldn’t get him to snap out of it? He’d wake in the morning to her body grown cold beside him and… and it terrified her.

She rolled over and faced the back of the couch. Hawkeye had always been stronger than he looked, but last night she caught a glimpse of the power unrestrained, unhindered by a careful mind. He was still Hawkeye. He was still the same silly, caring, kindhearted man she’d fallen in love with and the incident from the previous night hadn’t changed that. Her heart still overflowed when she thought of him. She was still completely in love with him…. But there was a seed of fear that hadn’t existed before.

The thought brought forth guilt and she hid her face in a decorative pillow and tried to ignore it until finally, she fell asleep.

* * *

Sunset was upon them by the time they returned home. Kids rode their bikes up and down the street while cicadas chirped in the trees. Streetlights hadn’t turned on yet but Irene was sure that as soon as they did the children would race their bikes home. For now, they remained, milking every last drop of free time they had before dinner.

Irene wished to have their energy again. She flopped down on the couch as soon as they got home and laid on her belly with a soft sigh. Hawkeye kicked off his shoes and moved her feet so he could sit down, then pulled her shoes off and tossed them by the door.

“I’ll give you a foot massage after we get a shower,” he said, resting her feet in his lap. “As much as I love you, there are some lines I just won’t cross.”

“I recall someone’s tent reeking of sweaty socks and gin,” she smiled, rolling over to lay on her back. She draped an arm over her head and observed him in the fading light.

“We had a very complicated aroma that only the most sophisticated nose could enjoy.”

“Charles hated it and he has the most sophisticated nose I know.”

“Ah, well, it wasn’t a smell for everyone.”

“Me included,” she laughed.

“Do you wanna get a shower with me?”

“No, you go ahead. I don’t think I can get up,” she lied. In truth, she was terrified of her makeup running off. She’d worked hard all day to keep it as fresh as possible despite the surgeries and appointments.

“Are you feeling okay?” he asked, leaning over to touch her forehead. “You’ve looked really tired today.”

“I’m alright. I’ll be better after a nap.”

Hawkeye kissed her before pulling the blanket off the back of the couch and tucking her in.

“Get some sleep. I’ll wake up when dinner is almost done, and you can clean up then.”

“I can cook,” Irene said, starting to sit up but Hawk put a hand on her shoulder.

“Not a chance. Not after what happened with the spaghetti noodles.”

“Hey now, my granny always told me to stick noodles to the wall to see if they’re done.”

“That is the most blasphemous thing I’ve ever heard. Which I’ll say, is impressive considering I’ve been guilty of many a blasphemous quip. When you can learn to cook without redecorating the kitchen with food or scorch marks, I can trust you unsupervised.”

“Alright, alright,” she relented, making herself comfortable but instead of him going to get a shower, he sat down beside her and felt her head again.

“Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Hawk, I’m fine. Go.”

He hovered a moment longer, his thumb brushing her cheek with no idea that below was the cause of her odd behavior.

“Alright. Get some rest then.” He finally walked away and when he was gone her fingers gently touched her cheek.

His breakdown seemed so far away. Like it happened years ago, not the night before. Peace had settled over the apartment, as it should be, but she couldn’t deny there was something else lurking in the corner. What would happen when they slept? Would the helicopters bringing patients to and from the hospital cause him to lash out again? What if next time she couldn’t get him to snap out of it? He’d wake in the morning to her body grown cold beside him and it terrified her. She rolled over and faced the back of the couch.

Hawkeye had always been stronger than he looked, but last night she caught a glimpse of the power unrestrained, unhindered by a careful mind. He was still Hawkeye. He was still the same silly, caring, kindhearted man she’d fallen in love with and the incident from the previous night hadn’t changed that. Her heart still overflowed when she thought of him. She was still completely in love with him…. But there was a seed of fear that hadn’t existed before. The thought brought forth guilt and she hid her face in a decorative pillow and tried to ignore it until finally, she fell asleep.

* * *

Irene woke with a start when Hawkeye touched her shoulder, announcing dinner was ready. The smile dropped from his face when he looked at her as panic tainted her sleepy expression. She calmed immediately but she couldn’t take back the impulse.

“Were you having a nightmare again?” he asked, sitting beside her as she sat up.

She rubbed her eyes for a moment. “Yeah. It’s okay.”

Hawkeye wrapped his arms around her and kissed her forehead. She melted into him as he rubbed her back and comforted her. It would fade. It would pass. All of it. Soon this living nightmare would be over and she’d be able to be with him the way she wanted.

“C’mon. Get something to eat,” he said, pulling her up and to the dinner table where he’d lit candles over proper Italian food.

“You didn’t have to do all this,” she said.

“And not a bit of it’s been on the wall.”

They ate dinner as if nothing had ever happened and by the time they were done Irene felt much better than before. The fear was put aside and by the time they finished the dishes and she got into the shower, she felt she might be able to sleep beside him again instead of in the guest bedroom.

She got a quick shower, reapplied her concealer to hide the bruise, and climbed in bed beside him. He held an arm out for her to curl up to his side before he opened a book and began to read to her. Soon his voice lulled her to sleep

When she woke hours later, he’d fallen asleep with his cheek rested on her head and the book on his chest. An ambulance screamed past the apartment and he twitched, causing her to flinch. Her heart raced and she eased out of bed as he began to mutter in his sleep. His brow creased as she moved around to his side of the bed where the window overlooked the street.

Irene held her breath as she waited for him to calm down on his own. The ambulance was gone and he was still asleep and despite a hard turn to his side facing away from her, he’d not had nay issues. That didn’t stop her heart from beating out of her chest.

Gently, she pulled the book away from him, some of the pages crumpled from his tossing, and put it on the bedside table. She turned off the little lamp and walked to the window to look outside. The street was quiet, only a few cars passed here and there. A stray dog ambled along, disappearing in the darkness between the streetlights.

Hawkeye flopped to his other side and Irene nearly jumped out of her skin. Dammit. The nap after work hadn’t been enough to refresh her from the lack of sleep and long hours nursing and her body was protesting and she wasn’t sure if she could sleep beside him.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered, moving a lock of his hair away from his face before going to the guest bedroom.

They didn’t use it often and it felt alien to her. She got between the cold sheets and settled down, but it felt wrong. She’d hardly slept alone since he returned from Korea. The thought that she was being irrational crossed her mind, but she was too tired to dwell on it.

By morning she regretted her decision to sleep in the guest room. She was up before dawn again after several hours of fitful sleep to tidy the guest room and put on more makeup before Hawkeye could wake. The alarm went off and she listened as he rolled around in bed for a minute before joining her in the bathroom.

“You’re up early. Again,” he said as she turned to face him. He put his arms around her and his eyes began to droop. “You’re not becoming a morning person, are you? Might affect my decision to marry you someday.”

“Don’t give me false hope,” she said before he kissed her. “I’m going to make some coffee. Or am I banned from that too?”

He hesitated. “Well, alright just don’t burn down the building.”

Hawk went about his morning routine his normal, groggy self and Irene shuffled into the kitchen, trying to hold back tears from exhaustion. This had to stop. She had to get ahold of herself before everything came crashing down.

* * *

Another grueling day at the hospital. It’d started quietly enough with the typical patients and their typical problems, until they got a whole slew of victims of a boating accident. A lobster boat with a rookie crew came too close to the shore and smashed on the rocks. The worst patients were brought in by helicopter and Irene could see the change in Hawkeye’s demeanor.

The old Hawkeye was back somehow, standing beside her in the OR. Most of the time he operated with cool efficiency, never stopping with the jokes and others on the surgical staff admired him for it. He kept them running calmly, smoothly, efficiently but today… there was a tired tense look in his eye and every once in awhile she had to nudge him into slowing down. This wasn’t meatball surgery. This wasn’t Korea. He had time and he knew what he was doing, but the pace and rumbling of helicopters outside seemed to take him back to the war.

When they got home he took his turn to collapse onto the couch as she had done the day before. She didn’t bother to pull off his shoes before climbing on top of him and laying down. They sighed in unison and he chuckled.

“You think eventually we’ll start looking alike too?” he asked.

“I hope not. Five o’clock shadow wouldn’t look good on me.”

“I don’t know about you, but I’m considering taking my sick time and sleeping through all of it.”

“As long as I don’t have to move.”

They lay in silence until Irene was nearly asleep, but Hawkeye groaned and began to move.

“Stay still or I’ll tie you up,” Irene warned.

“Promise?” He peeked over his shoulder at her. “But I don’t think Alice would like to walk in on that.”

“Alice?”

“She’s coming over for dinner, remember? She’s bringing Chinese.”

“Why do I make plans? I’m too tired to move.”

“I’ll get a shower first again. You get some rest.”

Irene buried her face between his shoulder blades and held onto his shirt.

“You’re making this really hard.”

“That’s the idea.”

Hawk rolled over so she was between him and the back of the couch. Irene traced circles over his chest, but she couldn’t keep her eyes open. The sound of his breathing and heartbeat put her out like a light. She didn’t even realize he’d slipped away to get a shower until he sat on the edge of the couch beside her, drying his hair with a towel.

“I’m worried about you,” he said as she rubbed her eyes.

“Why?”

“You’re acting weird. You’re jumpy and sleeping all the time. Are the nightmares getting worse and you’re not telling me or what?”

“Hawkeye, it’s not the nightmares,” she assured as she sat up. “I’m just not sleeping well at night is all.”

“If you’re having trouble with insomnia, we could call Sidney. He’s only a few hours away maybe he could—”

“Slow down, Hawk. I’m fine. Really.”

The worry remained in his eyes when he kissed her, his hair dripping onto her cheek. She closed her eyes and pulled him close but when he started to ease her down onto the couch she broke it off.

“Down boy,” she smiled. “I have to get a shower too.”

“Hurry or we won’t have any time before Alice gets here.” He kissed a line down her neck, his breath on her skin giving her goosebumps.

“Honestly,” she laughed, then pushed him away. “I’ll be right back.”

Hawkeye grumbled and lay on the couch when she stood up.

Irene got a quick shower, focusing on staying awake and making it through Alice’s visit. She was so preoccupied that she didn’t hear Hawkeye come in and when she opened the curtain to see him standing at the mirror, combing his damp hair, she gasped.

“Sorry, I thought you—” his eyes went straight to the bruise on her cheek, then up to her eyes. He dropped his comb and went to her before she could even get out of the tub. “What happened?” he raised a hand to touch it and she flinched. “Did someone do this to you?”

“Hawkeye—”

“Tell me who it was,” he said, raising his voice a little. “I’ll go handle it right now.”

“Please, don’t. It’s complicated.”

“No, it’s really not. No one should ever hurt you like that. Let me…” he trailed off and she could practically see the wheels in his head turning. They’d been together every day all day for over a week.

Tears welled up in Irene’s eyes when she noticed the shift in him. She reached out to grab his sleeve but he stepped back, eyes on the floor.

“What did I do to you?” he asked when he could finally look her in the eye.

“It was an accident.”

“Is this why you wanted me to talk to Sidney? Is this… is this why you’ve been so tired? Are you afraid to sleep next to me now?”

“It frightened me, but I’m okay now. Really.” She stepped out of the shower toward him but he’d already walked away. “Hawkeye, please,” she begged as he slipped on his shoes and put on his coat. Irene followed him down the hall in his towel, desperate to stop him. “It was an accident.”

“It doesn’t matter,” he said grabbing the keys off the table. “I hurt you. And why? Because that damn war. I can’t get away from it. I can’t take back how it’s changed me and now… I could have hurt you. Really hurt you and…” he shook his head, too ashamed to look at her. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t go,” she cried but he was already out the door. It’d hardly closed behind him when she went to the couch and laid down, sobbing. She turned her face into the couch, not hearing the knock on the door.

“What’s going on?” Alice asked, having let herself in. “I saw Hawkeye leave and he looked upset and you... oh honey, what happened?” She sat on the couch and Irene leaned into her. “What happened to your eye? I sweat if Hawkeye did that, I’m gonna put him in a ditch.”

“No, it’s not like that,” Irene sniffled, trying to regain her composure but her chest felt as if there was a thousand pounds sitting on it. “I just want him to come back,” she broke down again and Alice rocked her back and forth, letting her cry.

“Shhh, calm down before you make yourself sick and tell me what happened.”

Irene sat up, Alice’s arms still around her shoulders.

“T-there was a helicopter the other n-night,” she sniffled. “It triggered something in him w-while he was sleeping, and h-he started fighting in his sleep. He was t-trying to keep me safe but—” the tears flowed once more, and she couldn’t hold them in.

“So, he hit you when he had a nightmare?”

Irene nodded.

“I’m guessing you didn’t tell him and tried to hide it from him instead,” she sighed. “Not that it would have made a big difference anyway. I’m guessing he’s afraid he’ll hurt you again and that’s why he left?”

“I just want him to come back.”

“He’ll come back, honey. You two didn’t let Korea tear you apart, you can survive this. Go on back and get dressed and we’ll have some Chinese and wait for him to come back. Alright?” She tucked Irene’s wet hair behind her ear and ushered her toward the bedroom.

Irene closed the door behind her and wiped her tears with her towel. Her hands shook as she pulled his robe on, tying it tight around herself. The sleeves covered her hands and she hugged them close to herself as she lay down on the bed in Hawkeye’s spot.

She could hear Alice in the living room, turning the TV on and lowering the volume before getting their food ready. Making herself at home, as she always did, but she didn’t have the energy to join her. It felt as if every ounce of strength and will she had left was drained from her. Even the thought of eating with Alice made her stomach turn but she hauled herself out of bed anyway and into the living room.

Alice met her at the couch with a blanket and had Irene to lay with her head in Alice’s lap. She didn’t speak, only played with Irene’s hair while she watched TV, untouched Chinese on the coffee table.

Irene slept for a time, waking shortly before midnight to find that Hawkeye was still gone. She got up and went to the sliding glass doors to the small balcony but she didn’t see his car in the driveway either.

“He’ll come back,” Alice assured. “Food’s cold now but I’m starving. I think you should try to eat too. C’mon.”

Irene ate halfheartedly, each bite sapping the strength out of her. She just didn’t have the will for it. After struggling through half of one of the boxes she gave up and leaned over onto the arm of the couch.

“Why don’t you go to bed. I’ll stay here tonight so you won’t be alone,” Alice said, patting Irene’s side. “It’ll be awhile before I’m ready to sleep so I’ll keep an eye out for him, okay?”

“I want to go look for him,” Irene said. “What if he’s out drinking somewhere or he’s been in an accident or is hurt or—”

“Shh, don’t think like that. He’s coming back, alright? You know Hawk, he’s probably off somewhere blowing off some steam. I’ll wake you up a soon as he’s back.”

Irene relented and went back to her room to fall into Hawk’s side of the bed. She watched the ceiling for headlights until she couldn’t keep her eyes open any longer and drifted into nightmare ridden sleep.

The helicopter dream plagued her as it usually did but in a different way. This time it was Hawkeye who was cut in half by the chopper blade instead of the Corpsman. All she could do was close her eyes and look away as she ran past him but he was grabbing at her pants legs, moaning her name but she couldn’t stop running. She dragged the top half of his body behind her, weighing her down and the shack where battalion aid was never got any closer. She woke in a cold sweat to Alice shaking her shoulder.

“Hawkeye?”

“No, honey, it’s Alice. Daniel just called. He said Hawk is over at his house and he’s safe, but he’ll be staying a few days. But don’t you worry, I’m right here and like I said, I know he’s going to come back to you. He just has to work through this first.”

Alice climbed into bed with Irene and put her back to her. It wasn’t the same as having Hawkeye near, but it did help to ease Irene’s anxiety. Her body continued to shake violently, and she curled into Hawk’s robe and wished he was there with her.

* * *

Daniel Pierce sat at the kitchen table sipping his coffee and reading the paper before work. Upstairs Hawkeye could be heard shuffling from his room too the bathroom and Daniel smiled. It was nice having his son home again. Getting him back from Korea was a blessing. However, this wasn’t exactly the circumstances he’d hoped his son would visit for. That caused him smile to fade.

Movement at the window caught his attention as a cardinal fluttered down onto the windowsill over the sink. It tilted its tiny head at him, then flew away when Hawkeye shuffled into the kitchen to make his coffee.

“Morning, son.”

“Morning.”

He looked like he hadn’t slept in the few days he’d been home. Red rimmed his eyes and he had more stubble than Daniel had ever seen on him.

“Are you coming to work today?”

“I don’t know.”

“Listen, Hawk, you know I love you more than anything and you’re welcome to stay here as long as you need, but I think I need to know what’s going on. You’re sleeping all day, pacing all night, calling Irene only to hang up when she answers, and worst of all, skipping work. Why don’t you tell me what happened?”

Hawkeye finished making his coffee and sat down across from his dad.

“If I say it out loud I might die of shame.”

“I doubt it’s that bad. What happened between you and Irene?”

Hawk looked out the window where the cardinal had returned to stare at them, of perhaps his own reflection.

“You know how sometimes I have nightmares?”

Daniel nodded.

“Well, the last time I had one I… I hit Irene. I didn’t mean to. I didn’t even know it happened until a couple days later.”

“It was an accident.”

“Still. She hid it from me too. I knew she was acting strange, but she just told me she was fine.”

“Can you blame her?” Daniel raised a brow. “You’ve always been hot tempered; reacting in the heat of your emotions. You found out what you did, and you ran. I’m sure she felt that if she told you what happened, you would do exactly what you did.”

“But I hit her dad. She has a bruise on her face the exact size of my fist. How can I face her like that?” he dropped his gaze to his coffee mug, which he rolled between his palms on the table.

Daniel didn’t know what to say. It didn’t change the fact that Irene had been backed into a corner. Hawkeye’s reaction was exactly on par to what Daniel thought would have happened, how could Irene think it’d end any differently? And yet, he understood how Hawkeye must feel. He’d done so much to protect her, to keep her alive in Korea, only to be the one to cause her pain.

“Has uh… has she been at work?” Hawk asked, glancing up.

“She has. She’d been asking about you too. A lot. I can tell she’s not taking it well but she’s trying hard to put on a brave face. I told her to stay home today and get some rest. Maybe you can go over and see her today.”

“I don’t think I can yet.”

“Benjamin,” Daniel said, putting his hand on his sons and when their eyes met he continued, “Irene’s been good for you. I don’t want you to throw your relationship away because of this. The longer you wait, the harder it’ll be to go back.”

“I don’t want to hurt her again.”

“Son, you’re hurting her now. Probably worse than you can imagine. If you want to be better, I’m here for you. Go to therapy. Go with her if it’ll help you both.”

Hawkeye drained the rest of his coffee, then went to the sink to wash the cup.

“Speaking of Sidney,” Daniel began, “did you ever tell Irene about the bus incident?”

“She already knows how screwed up I am, Dad, I don’t need her to know just how bad. Maybe it’d be better if I never—” he hung his head and braced on the sink.

Daniel joined his son and rested a hand on his shoulder. “Ben, men and women come home from war changed. I’ve hardly met a person who went through what you two endured and didn’t feel changed. Broken. Damaged. But that doesn’t mean that you don’t deserve love. And who better to understand what you’re going through than each other?”

When Hawkeye didn’t reply, Daniel pulled him in, kissed his cheek, and tousled his hair like he did when Hawk was a little boy.

“Just think about it, okay?” Daniel asked.

“Alright.” Hawkeye washed his father’s mug and Daniel took one last look at his boy before he left the kitchen, resolved to call Sidney if he got home and Hawk still hadn’t made amends.

* * *

Daniel was on the phone when Hawkeye came home looking a little better than before. He’d hoped Hawk had gone home but realized that hadn’t been the case when he came in with his arms full of groceries.

“Thought I’d make us some lobster ravioli for dinner,” Hawk said, lining ingredients up on the counter.

“I feel bad that you’re here cooking for me and Irene’s home fending for herself.”

Hawk froze for a moment, then resumed his unpacking.

“At least you shaved before you went out,” Daniel teased.

“You just don’t appreciate the hobo look.”

“Why don’t you let me take care of that son. You have a phone call.”

Hawkeye wiped his hands on his pants and gave his father a suspicious glance before picking up the phone, but he remained silent and tense until Sidney spoke and his shoulders relaxed.

Daniel tried to give Hawk as much privacy as possible while he began preparing their meal. Out the window rain began to fall and thunder rolled in the distance. He leaned forward to gaze at the darkening clouds and heard his son sniffle, his voice stressed as he spoke to Sidney.

Daniel smiled mournfully. Sidney had a way about him, that was sure, and although he didn’t want to hear his son upset, Sidney was getting through to him.

Soon Hawkeye got a hold of himself and dried his eyes before calling Daniel back over to the phone. He went to finish the meal his father had started, and Daniel turned his back before speaking in a hushed tone.

“Thanks Sid. How much do I owe you?”

“Don’t worry about it. You can make it up to me at poker next week.”

Daniel chuckled. “See you then.”

He hung up and joined Hawkeye at the counter. The pair of them worked in silence as the storm began to rage outside.

“Left overs from a hurricane,” Daniel said when Hawkeye looked out the window when thunder rattled the glass. “It’s supposed to get back out there. Why don’t you go get Irene and bring her back for dinner?”

“She’ll probably have Alice with her.”

“So? The more the merrier.”

“I’m going over first thing in the morning. I have to figure out what I’m going to say before I get there.”

Daniel held his tongue. At least it was progress.

* * *

The storm was unrelenting, continuing through the night and into the next morning. Hawk stood at the apartment door, keys in hand, wet hair plastered to his face.

He let himself into the dark apartment and tried to turn on the light but the power was out.

“Irene?” he called, but there was no answer. Her shoes and coat were still by the door so he was sure she was home. “Hello?”

As if materializing from the shadows he could hear music from the bedroom. He stood at the end of the hall and saw that the door at the other end was cracked and the flicker of candlelight danced across the hardwood floor.

“Irene?” he walked closer, the music from within the bedroom growing louder but he couldn’t quite make out the words, all he knew was that it filled him with sorrow that weighed him down, making each step heavier as he neared.

Hawk pushed the door open with his fingertips, opening it to the empty bedroom. The bed was a mess and in the middle was a phonograph, playing as loud as it could go. It was the song they danced to in Korea and the sound of it ripped his heart out. The window by his side of the bed was wide open to the rain and as he stepped in he realized that water had settled in the middle of the room, coming not only from the window but from the closed bathroom door. Her side of the bed held the candles and a half written note.

He turned to the bathroom where the sound of running water could barely be heard under the blaring phonograph. He stood outside the door; shoes soaked from the water that flowed from within.

“Irene?” he tried again, voice breaking as the fear of what lay beyond consumed him. He opened the door to find her laying in his robe on the floor, one leg propped against the tub which overflowed, the water tainted red.

Irene lay on her back, staring at the ceiling with half closed eyes. Her hair floated in the water as it rushed past her, his robe soaked through and waterlogged, stained dark with blood. He fell to his knees beside her and pulled her close to his chest as he tried his best to cover her wounds but every bit of medical training became a muddled mess in his mind. Water poured from her and never stopped. The bathroom was flooding, and he tried to pick her up, but her body was stiff and heavy as stone.

He began to scream and cry and beg as he tried to force himself up on shaky legs, her cold skin pressed to him. Even through his clothes he could feel her chill and the water that came from her froze his skin. The floor beneath his feet began to splinter and before he knew it, he was falling. Through the floor into an abyss. Irene’s body was so heavy he dropped her, and she fell with him, breaking apart to scatter around him in countless half written notes. He scrambled toward the hole, which grew ever smaller as he fell until it was nothing more than a pinprick of flickering light.

Hawkeye woke screaming in a cold sweat and sat up into his father’s waiting arms. His heart beat so hard and fast he thought he might be having a heart attack. Daniel held him close and soothed him but the sick feeling in Hawkeye’s gut persisted.

“I have to go,” he said, pushing past Daniel.

“Right now? The storm—”

“I have to get to her,” Hawk yelled as he raced down the stairs.

“Be careful!”

Hawk ran out into the storm and drove like a madman all the way to the apartment, knuckles white on the steering wheel. He ran through the downpour and into the converted mansion, up the stairs two at a time until he got to his door. The keys fell from his trembling hands and he cursed. He turned the bolt and the sound of music from inside almost made him throw up. He pushed the door open but the chain stopped him.

“Irene?” he called, but there was no answer. He slammed his shoulder into the door repeatedly until the old wood began to splinter. One more jarring hit and the screws pulled loose, allowing him to run into the dark apartment.

He froze in his tracks when he saw the flickering lights at the end of the hall and it was all he could do to stay standing. Had his dream come true? He didn’t follow the path of the dream, wandering slowly from one room to the next. Instead he sprinted through the apartment, down the hall, into the bedroom where the phonograph sat on the middle of the bed, curtains open to the storm, the sound of the bath running sending panic through his bones.

Tears in his eyes he burst through the cracked bathroom door to see Irene on the edge of the bathtub in his robe, checking the water. She turned to face him, alarmed.

“Hawkeye?”

The word barely left her mouth when he hit the floor between her knees and wrapped his arms around her waist. He sobbed into her lap and she held him, soothed him though he could tell she was shaken. She pulled away from him enough that she could slide down onto the floor with him, her back to the tub.

“Hawk, what’s wrong? Why are you—”

“I thought you were gone and I had to… I had to see and I’m sorry I never meant for this to happen.”

“I didn’t go anywhere. What are you talking about?”

He crushed her to his chest. “Please forgive me. For the nightmares, for hitting you, for walking away.”

“I love you Hawk. I’m here to help you and I forgive you for your dreams. They’re not your fault, but you can’t do this to me again. Promise me you won’t ever walk away like that again.”

Hawkeye pulled away and cupped her face in his hands, wiping her tears away with his thumbs.

“I promise.” He leaned over her to turn the water off before it overflowed and picked her up from the floor. She rested her head on his shoulder as he carried her to bed. “I just need you to be with me.”

Irene stopped the music and put the phonograph on the floor beside the bed as he stripped off his soaked clothes. She curled up next to him and he pulled the blankets up around them. Outside rain came down in sheets and wind battered the old house, but here, with her in his arms again, he couldn’t think of anywhere he’d rather be.

“I don’t know what I was thinking,” he said after a time. She shuffled ever closer; her breath warm on his throat. “I’ve hardly slept since… I’m sorry I backed you into a corner. I was upset at what I’d done but I was also upset that you hid it from me but… I didn’t give you a choice, did I? I’ve been told I’m good at complicating things,” he stroked her hair. “Irene, I know this is probably a terrible time to ask but… how do you feel about… marrying me maybe? If you don’t mind that I’m a walking disaster.” He tried to laugh it off but it came out as a choked chuckle that was met with no reply.

He lay still for a moment, then looked down to realize she was fast asleep in his arms.

“Maybe another time,” he whispered, kissed her forehead, and fell into the first peaceful sleep in a week, feeling for the first time in a long time like he was exactly where he was supposed to be. And if it meant keeping her, he’d fix himself.

  
  
  



End file.
